It’s been a sad several weeks.
A very close relative passed away. Suddenly….
My two dogs passed away not long after… (two weeks apart.)
I have felt exhausted like I’ve had a very low grade flu… (I don’t.)
Perhaps most significant, there has been increased news about antisemitism. This… a most triggering and ancient issue.
and so it’s gone these past few weeks …
in the middle of working with a client,
or
while driving home from a routine doctors appointment,
and
while participating in meetings, business or social …
I’ve been holding back tears … Emotions have been popping up. Without invitation.
During yet another pop up sadness episode,
I remembered to ask Hashem what he wanted of me. As you may sometimes have experienced during your own times of prayer or distress, the sadness did not immediately lift. My sad, flu-like exhaustion continued. I asked again. Same result – no seeming relief.
And then… something new happened!
I’ve always looked for relief when praying during difficult times. The success of my prayers, to my way of thinking, held a subtle reliance on whether or not the pain lifted.
But this time, it occurred to me that the prayer itself was enough. Asking G-d to show me what he wanted of me is the homecoming. It seemed so logic-less… and yet so clear.
I didn’t feel any better…
Normally that would seem like a big fat bummer.
But I unexpectely also felt so much better! This relief was so subtle and so big at the same time. Acceptance? 😮 Asking and being ready to do what G-d wanted, even when feeling sh-tty, well, I could all of a sudden surrender to that.
Spoiler alert. I was not led to any great action after that. Just be with what was.
And…. to trust. 
As it happened, a couple of days later, the low grade flu-like symptoms and the sadness lifted.
Without my permission or force! And yet with my hearty gratitude.
Vulnerability. I am finding when I accept my inability to control the world about me, and I accept my reliance on Hashem, then _______________________________________________.
I will leave it to each of us to fill in the blank for ourselves. It is of course our own personal journey. ❤️
I offer a blessing and prayer that we find that personal point of connection and experience joy. And that it happens in clear heart fulfilling ways.
Love, Vivi. ©
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