My beautiful,
wonderful, loving, sweet, fun, happy, all around good dog passed away shortly after Shabbat. 
I’m tired. I think that’s the current form sadness is taking. My emotions are cycling… shock, sadness, anger, blame, tired and…
GUILT!
I’m thinking: …. maybe the two medications were a bad combination. I should have known better!… I shouldn’t have left him alone while I waited my turn… I should have interrupted the emergency vet staff and pushed them to take my dog sooner…
Then of course it becomes the vet’s fault! He shouldn’t have prescribed those two medications so close together. That must have been the cause! (It wasn’t).
This cycle of guilt, anger and blame is extremely painful, and more importantly not the truth. I’ve lived enough to know not to let my mind do these painful acrobatics.
So….
I did what I know to do. I asked Hashem to show me what he wants me to think and for the strength to do it. No immediate relief. This loss was tough. But after repeating the prayer several times… I saw it differently. While I wished I could pet Dusty one more time; that I could go back and comfort him… that if only…
Hashem interrupted…
The kindness I wish I could give Dusty,
give to myself….
Stop my “what ifs…”
and increase my kindness to others.
Shortly after, I was given the chance.
While waiting for the bus, a woman randomly commented on the white hair that was on my navy dress saying “you must have a dog!” I chose to tell her, “Yes, I do…… but he just passed away.” After she offered her condolences, she surprisingly said, “I just lost my sister. I found out yesterday she passed.”
I jumped to offer my condolences and support and she immediately began saying she wished she had done this and said that…and… and… and…
When she finished, I shared the insight (that Hashem gave me) about my own guilt.
Her body relaxed and she released a big sigh. “That’s exactly what I needed to hear”, she said. We parted ways shortly after, but not before connecting on the gift it was to meet and talk.
Hashem, please show me what you want me to think, say and do. This is where I find the truth.
This story is in memory of Dusty…
Run on the beach, catch a ball, eat with gusto, curl up and cuddle, get so so so excited to see the people you love.
Get so so excited to see the people we love.
That I will hold on to. 🥰
Love, Vivi ©
