(Part 3 of a three part series. Here’s a quick recap of 1 and 2)
For years and years, I did not want to be Jewish. My rejection was a defense to the terror and horror that the Jewish people faced through history.
It was the vulnerability that terrified me. I always knew nothing could really change that I was Jewish. I didn’t want any part of anti-semitism. So…as much as possible, don’t be Jewish!
At some point in my early 30’s, I became open to G-d and became spiritual, not religious. When I had my first child, I began a soft search for a home in Judaism. I wanted my children to have just a little something, a little spiritual place to belong.
I found more than I could hope or imagine.
The burning question…
Vhat?, as my grandma Yeta would say with her Russian/Yiddish accent.
What is more than I could hope or imagine?
When Cinderella puts on the slipper and it fits just right. When a baseball player feels that home run slide right off the bat, when a friendship clicks, and when you meet that guy or gal and time seems to stand still.
This?
NO…
Unlike these peak experiences…
Falling in love with being Jewish happened slowly; it snuck up on me.
I’ve found sustenance. Its light has not died down and I sense there is no finitude to its growth.
Here are a list of words to try to capture this light:
Belonging, family, deep joy, blessed boundaries, strength, music, possibility, G-d, mercy, kindness, foundation, beauty, paradox, unfathomable, anchor, container, tenderness, oneness, mitzvah, fun, familiarity, Torah, connection, holy, divine, Shechina, presence, dance, jokes, food, spirit, pride, humility, holy chaos, wisdom, order, instructions, hope, faith, trust, peace, and down to earth. Making the earth holy.
As an aside, I was the only little girl who didn’t belong to a Synagogue amongst my young Jewish friends, the one Jewish girl in my group of Italian Catholic friends, the only disco lover in my rock- n-roller friends. I was more mature, less mature, drank more, drank less, too creative, not creative enough… I often felt like I didn’t belong.
But here I fit just right. In Jewishness… all the different “brands”. We are Secular, Orthodox, Ashkenazi, Sephardic, Democrat, Republican, Russian, Ethiopian, Mizrahi,… I don’t care. We are one.
If it stopped here, I wouldn’t have thrown my hat in the ring.
But the great sages teach…
We are ALL one. People of all different religions and beliefs.
It’s not academic. It’s experiential. I have comfort in my own skin and stronger connections with people of every background. Perhaps the greatest surprise is the other worldly delights I experience as I continue to add mitzvahs to my life.
As crazy as it seems, I am finding power in vulnerability. The looking the worst in its face and saying, you can’t change me. I know who I am.
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Leah, and Rachel, my Yiddish speaking grandparents… Yeta, Froim, Rifka, Lou, my mom and dad Sonny, Sam, and yes…
ME TOO.
I am a Jew.
Love, Vivi. ©
💞Addendum: After this post, I received requests for more on this topic. I put this together to fill in the gaps: “But how exactly did you fall in love with being Jewish?”
P.S. Here’s a micro glimpse into the minutes before Shabbat. Please join me in celebrating.
Another good offering. Thank you, Vivi. I especially like the list of words to capture the light. Very appealing list.
Thanks Susan! There are so many precious things, which one to focus?? I’m glad you liked the list and felt it captured if even a little. 🙂
Tell us how you found your spirituality! It’s such a big part of you today. You spent a lot of words telling us how you rejected it, but not how you reversed your position. I’m dying to know.
OK! Thank you for your question! Which are you more interested in… coming to believe and trust G-d in general?? or finding: that home, G-d, and JOY IN Judaism?
So thought provoking. Great motivation for further personal exploration. Keep writing!
Ann, Thank you so much. I wish you lots of light AND fun in your personal explorations! ❤️